A Closed Door

To the World,

I'm looking for a ministry job. I'll be graduating soon and have grown accustomed to eating three meals every day. I know it's a luxury but it's one that I'm not yet willing to give up.

I've been working at a church as a youth minister while going to school and really been working very hard. The church I'm at, "XBC," is great. They're kind. They're really starting to knit together in a relational and communal way. They like me. I like them. My wife and I are comfortable here and we thought, about a year ago, that they would most definitely offer me a full-time position upon my graduation. I was looking forward to continuing to work with the pastor.

But, I found out today that the long and perilous route to the city of "full-time-employment-at-XBC" is, truly, a narrow road.

The finance, personnel, and deacon committees met and agreed that they really wanted to keep me. I was excited. The congregation had expressed a desire for me to continue on. The Youth wanted me to stay. They tried to come up with some creative ways to deal with the elephant-in-the-room.

Their giving hasn't caught up to their growth.

So, money was going to be an issue. Their compensation package was going to be lower ($5000 to $10000 lower) if they could even afford to offer it. I was still interested in staying for a variety of reasons. But, they made their decision recently:

They can't afford it.

So, they're going to write a nice letter that says that they affirm me in my ministry and really wish that I could stay but that, at this time, they cannot afford to offer me a full-time position.

I'm hurting a little. It's not easy to watch a door close. I'm reminding myself about God's guidance and will but I might need some time to grieve before it will all sink in and be acceptable.

I have other offers and I'm not really worried about getting hired (at least, not much). I wasn't even sure that I was going to be able to stay if they made the offer since I felt pulls and calls in other places. Plus, I've been expecting the shoe to drop for quite a while.

It doesn't make it easier. These are still my brothers, sisters, and family.

So, I'm a little afraid. I'm looking at graduating, moving to another place, and likely beginning the long slow process of relationship and community building. There is one particular location that I would love to be. I've been talking to some churches in that area but I'm not feeling very encouraged by the results. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I have the energy to continue to live far away from home and move without going home.

The life of a minister is, sometimes, a life of a stranger in a strange land. If the response of the Jewish people was: "A wandering Aramean was my father" then perhaps my only response can be: "A crucified and homeless King is my Lord."

Hoping and Despairing,
Rev. Honesty